So, you've followed the rules, you've taken your outcomer in like a champ, all is well, and as your outcomer walks away with a big friendly smile you think to yourself, "Oh, shit. I forgot to ask if I'm not supposed to tell other people about this. What should I do?"

You are not alone. There is a deal of confusion in the straight community about the importance of confidentiality. On the one hand, there is the intaker who fails to realize that by entrusting him with this information, the outcomer did not intend to also entrust this information to the intaker's parents, friends, business associates, dentist, racquetball partner, car mechanic, and priest. On the other, we have the intaker who assumes that this is a secret s/he must carry to the grave and never divulge to another soul, even though the outcomer was featured last week in a Newsweek cover story entitled "Lesbian Separatists--Should We Shoot 'Em?" The correct approach generally lies somewhere in between these two extremes.

The best course of action, if you are unsure about this, is to ask the outcomer to what extent s/he wants you to keep this under your hat. If you don't, or can't, do that, here are some ground rules:

• If the outcomer is experienced, s/he will probably expect you to treat this like any other piece of biographical information. There is no need for you to speak of this in hushed tones, or not at all, if the outcomer herself is blazoning it abroad to all and sundry.
• If the outcomer is a novice, you probably should not share this information with anyone unless your outcomer gives you express permission to do so. The novice will probably have people in his/her life to whom s/he is not ready to come out, and it is a violation of many rules of decent conduct to force him/her to do so.
• There is a special circle in hell for people who out novices to their parents. Right next door is the circle reserved for those who out them to employers, students, fellow-football players, frat brothers, mothers superior, parishoners, or the FBI. NEVER mention this information to these people unless you are 100% sure that your outcomer has already told them.
• Always err on the side of caution if there is any doubt in your mind. It is better to look stupid for not knowing what everyone else knows than to let slip a remark that may wreck your outcomer's life.

Now, you probably already had some of this figured out, but confidentiality is more complicated than it looks. Here, for instance, are some scenarios you might run into:

Q. You and a bunch of your buddies are sitting around knockin' a few back at your favorite watering hole when someone asks where your pal Reynaldo is. Someone else answers that he's out shopping for socks with Fritz. This sparks a session of speculative commentary about whether Reynaldo is "that way" and whether he and Fritz are more than just skeet-shooting partners. It seems that your mutual friends are open to the possibility, and not at all hostile or contemptuous, but you know Reynaldo is still afraid to tell them. Should you divulge your information and lay doubt to rest?

A. No. Although it may seem that all you're doing is saving Reynaldo some trouble and worry, it is very important that you let him be the judge of when to come out to his friends. By the same token, while you may be thinking, "Hey, they already know, what's the harm," there is a big difference between wondering and knowing. If you bust in and say that he's come out to you, this turns speculation into certainty, and all sorts of things might happen. For one thing, it may become apparent that your buddies are more comfortable with Reynaldo's hypothetical homosexuality than the reality of it. Keep your lip zipped and let Reynaldo do his own outcoming.

Q. You have entered a new relationship and are at the divulging-one's-past stage of the dance of love. Your sister has just recently come out to you and the rest of the immediate family. She is still in the closet at work and at school, but out to her close friends. Should you tell your new flame that you have a queer in the family, or should you wait until your sister gives you the go-ahead?

A. As a general rule, significant others are exempted from most pledges of secrecy. Unless your new flame is the kind of gossip hound who functions as a one-person information superhighway, you can probably pass the news on since it is something important in your own makeup and personality. You should, when you do this, impress upon your sig oth the necessity of keeping this between yourselves. Other people exempted from the confidentiality rule are therapists, lawyers, and your personal confessor if you have one.

Q. Your friend has come out to you and tells you that although s/he is out to everyone s/he knows, including the family, his/her parents have not told anyone in their circle about this. Since you two go way back, you know a number of people who know your outcomer's parents. Should you mention this to them?

A. If your outcomer doesn't care who knows, then you don't have to either. It is not necessary to respect the feelings of other people who for whatever reason want this information not to get around. Blab away. A little shaming will do those parents some good.

Obviously we can't cover all of these scenarios, but the ground rule is to be ruled by your outcomer. If s/he doesn't want people to know, or you can't tell whether s/he wants people to know, don't tell them. If s/he clearly doesn't care, go nuts.

For the sake of your own dignity, however, a little restraint is usually in order. Bullhorns and PA systems need not be called into play. Don't treat this information like it's *the* most exciting thing you've ever heard in your life, because it's really not. Remember, you're not in high school any more--and even if you are, that's no reason to act like an eighth grader.

Onward to Section Two: Advanced Coming Out

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Copyright ©1996 The Plaid Adder. Do not reproduce this material without the express permission of the author.