Now that you know the basics, it's time to move on to more challenging situations, in which some sort of wrinkle or curveball will require a little extra dexterity, sensitivity, or quick thinking on your part. In this section we'll handle current/former romantic partners, transsexuals, transsexual current/former romantic partners, and various settings that make things more awkward or more dangerous, such as family reunions or security clearance interviews. The techniques from Section 1 will be the basis for everything you learn here, so go read it if you haven't. And remember, there will be a quiz.

Chapter One: The Accidental Coming-Out

In Section 1, we were assuming that the outcoming was voluntary, which it usually is. However, there are occasionally situations in which you stumble across evidence of someone's orientation, and painful awkwardness results. Should I tell the person I know? Should I just forget I saw anything? Should I go home and spend some time in the fetal position trying to forget the vision of my supervisor in fishnets and peacock satin?

Well, the response varies depending on the situation. For instance:

Walking In

This, obviously, is more likely to happen with someone you know fairly well, since you probably won't walk in on an outcomer unless you're living in the same place or known him/her well enough to walk into his/her bedroom without knocking. Unless, of course, your outcomer is one of these people who sees sex as a subsitute for whitewater rafting or running with the bulls, and likes to get busy in elevators, office cubicles and telephone booths. In any case, follow this simple decision-making process:

Did the person in question see me?

• If no: Stifle your cry of alarm and make your way quietly to the exit. Keep the knowledge to yourself and wait for your outcomer to come out to you in the usual way.
• If yes: Apologize profusely, but BRIEFLY, and leave the scene as fast as possible. Later, catch up with the outcomer when s/he is alone and explain to him/her that you're very sorry to have intruded, and his/her secret is safe with you. If the outcomer wishes to pursue the topic, follow the appropriate rules from Section 1. After that, never refer to this particular incident again.

The same rules apply, with less force, to situations that approximate this but are less extreme, such as discovering your outcomer kissing another guy goodbye at the bus, or holding hands with another woman as they frolic through the park. However, in this case you must make a further decision:

Would this qualify as a Public Display of Affection, or did I just happen to get into the elevator at the wrong moment?

• If #1: Your outcomer is probably experienced and will not mind as long as you don't stare, point, or yell, "Hey, Cleatis, come take a look at this!" Wave cheerily and walk on by.
• If #2: Say hello, but don't prolong the interaction if the outcomer is uncomfortable. Your objective is to let the person know that it's OK and you've seen this kind of thing before, which makes it less likely that you are about to run back to the lobby and yell "HEY, EVERYBODY, GUESS WHAT?"

Which segues into:

Rules for Public Meeting

Since you have gay and lesbian friends, you will probably be running into them in grocery stores, on streetcorners, etc., and will naturally want to stop and say hello. In most cases, this will not necessitate the kind of convoluted etiquette procedures that used to govern public meeting (for instance, you don't have to worry about whether once you've raised your top hat to salute the lady you can then replace it on your head or must hold it in one hand whilst speaking, or remember that a gentleman should *never* expect a lady to stand on the sidewalk and talk to him, but always turn to accompany her on her way, if that is he knows her well enough to do so, having already been introduced by a mutual married friend...). However, there are some wrinkles even in this comparatively simple interaction.

You see, you must remember that most gays and lesbians have been harassed in public at some point in their lives, and this makes them a little jumpy. Others, especially novice outcomers, may be nervous about being identified as gay in a public setting, which may happen obliquely through your conversation if you are not careful. For instance, if you spot Janey and Ellen in the Country & Western section, and you know that one or both is closeted, you probably shouldn't stand there and ask them what they did for Valentine's Day.

Aside from this sort of discretion, what you most need to worry about is not startling them by unwittingly replicating the behavior of someone who has spotted a gay person on the street and is heckling him. It has probably never crossed your mind that this might happen, since your intention is not to harass, but to greet, your friends. However, your friends will not realize, until they actually recognize you, that you are friend and not foe, so if you wish to spare them that initial adrenaline rush that comes from the Fight Or Flight Homophobe Response our bodies all learn eventually, be careful when doing the following things:

1. Hailing pedestrians from a passing car.

Especially if your friends are holding hands or doing something else that makes them particularly identifiable, if they see a shadowy form yelling something at them from the window of a moving vehicle they'll assume it's harassment, especially if it's something vague like "Hey, you!" If you want to talk to your friends or offer them a ride, the thing to do is salute your friends by name. This will convey immediately the information that you know them, like them, and are not some stranger with nothing better to do with his time than hurl epithets at strangers. For the same reason, it's better if you don't honk at them, pull up alongside so that you appear to be tailing them, or flash your headlights and rev the engine real loud.

2. Hailing from a distance.

Again, unless you clearly identify yourself as someone who knows them by name, when they hear a loud interpellation shouted at them by someone too far away to recognize they will be afeared.

3. Hailing someone in a dark alley.

See above. Remember the rule: if they can't tell who you are, they don't know you're not going to hurt them. Unless you want to write your name on the front of your jacket with reflective tape, remember when shouting a friendly greeting at your friends in the dark, use their names, and if they still look at you with suspicion, identify yourself verbally.

Again, this is not the hugest deal in the world, and if you forget, the upset and palm-sweating you inadvertently cause your friends will probably only last for a few seconds. Still, the truly advanced intaker will want to brush up on these and other finer points in order to make the corner where he is just that little bit brighter.

Via The Media

If you're surfing the evening news and you happen to see your co-worker wearing a "Silence=Death" T-shirt and lobbing fake blood at Jesse Helms, you now know more about him than you did before. Again, use the following decision-making process:

Is this person a novice outcomer, or an experienced one?

Remember that just because someone attends a gay pride parade, that doesn't mean they're experienced. Often novices will attend such events as part of the initial stages of self-recognition, under the (frequently mistaken) apprehension that there is anonymity in numbers. It will be easier to make the determination based on what you know about the person from other interactions than on the clip KEYE shows with the 6:30 weather report.

• If experienced: When you've got a moment, say, "Hey, I saw you on the news last night--nice aim!" Thereafter follow the rules for the Casual Coming-Out.
• If novice: How well do you know this person?
  • If well: You will need to make the call, but it may be helpful to your outcomer if you try to encourage him/her to come out to you on his/her own. We'll be dealing with strategies for this later on.
  • If not at all well: It's probably best to keep your mouth shut. Unless, of course, someone has already posted a still photo of the event on the department coffeemaker. At which point you should simply make it clear that you think it's refreshing to see a little political activism in what's becoming an increasingly apathetic country.

Fancy Meeting You Here

If you should happen, for whatever reason, to be in a gay or lesbian bar, or attending the Miss Gay Utah pageant, or standing in line at a screening of Bob and Doug Do Paris, and run into someone you had previously assumed was straight, one of two things will happen: 1) your outcomer will, if still a novice or still closeted, be acutely embarrassed and/or attempt to hide behind his date's Carmen Miranda hat or 2) assume that you too are on the team and start asking your opinion on lubricants.

• If #1: Beyond a big friendly, "Hey, how are you? Is it crowded in there? Whoa, I better go on ahead and get seated then, see you back at the gym," don't continue to engage the person in conversation, especially if they look like they want to run away.

• If #2: Let your outcomer know that while sympathetic, you are not able to speak from a position of authority on these sorts of things. Coming out as straight is a delicate operation, because if handled clumsily it looks very much like homophobia. Nevertheless, it is dishonest to allow someone who clearly assumes you are gay or lesbian to go on thinking so if you are not, and if your outcomer discovers later that you did this s/he will be annoyed. Here are some hints:

  Unfortunate:

  "Say! Nice to see you! I, of course am STRAIGHT, but I do take an interest in bizarre goings-on like this..."

  Less Unfortunate:

  "How ya doin'? Isn't this great? You know, my husband is a huge K.D. Lang fan, it's a shame he couldn't be here."

  Better:

  "I have something to tell you...uh...I'm...well, I'm...you know...[drop to a whisper] heterosexual."

  The camp approach will show your outcomer that you are telling him/her this not because you're afraid that otherwise s/he will jump your bones, but because you know what's what and you don't wanna be a wannabe. However, DON'T do this if you can't pull it off. If you know your comic delivery is about as arch as Cindy Crawford's, it's much better if you simply say, "Well, you know, as a heterosexual I can't really speak to that, but..."

  However, if the bar you're in should be raided by the police, or a few skinheads should take issue with your acquaintance's approach to dress, or any other homophobe should be in evidence and cast his/her attention upon your little group, the rules change. It is now polite to refrain from identifying yourself as someone who really ought not to be abused and beaten up, and instead join your acquaintance in taunting and otherwise harassing the moron at hand. The neighborly thing to do in this situation is to stand by your friends, rather than flash the white flag of normalcy and run like the wind.

I Was Just Straightening Up Your Room And...

If you are a parent, and have discovered a copy of Gay Boys in Bondage in little Timmy's bathroom, or have rifled through your daughter's journal and eventually found the part where she describes her year-long infatuation with Courtney Love, or were just digging through the trash in your child's wastebasket one day and happened across as used dental dam, you are in a tricky position. You have knowledge that your really oughtn't to have, the fruit of an investigation that you really oughtn't to have made. Ask yourself:

Am I ready to support my child if s/he comes out to me?

• If yes: Go ahead and sit your child down and tell him/her that you are wondering if s/he is worried that s/he might be gay, and that if so, you want him/her to know s/he can talk to you about it and you will support him/her. If your child then comes out to you, follow the rules outlined in Chapter 3. If s/he says, "Mommmmm! EWWWWWWWW!!! How could you THINK that?" you know that either your child is not ready to deal with this conversation, or your child's older sibling is using his/her room as a secret storage facility.
• If no: Put the soiled prophylactic back in the wastebasket and say nothing. You have intruded on your child's privacy, and if you force him/her to come out to a hostile audience under these conditions it will almost certainly do very bad things to your relationship. You are not ready to have this conversation and neither is your child.

And onward to Chapter Two: The Crush-Induced Coming Out

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Copyright ©1996 The Plaid Adder. Do not reproduce this material without the express permission of the author.