So, you've made many friends over the years, and because you are an openminded and tolerant sort, many of them are not exactly like you. You may number among them such diverse persons as Elvis fans, left-handed persons, people who believe that New Criticism will rise again, golfers, patent medicine salesmen, and, yes, gays and lesbians. Now, being a sensible person who knows how hard it is to meet people in this cruel and nasty world we live in, let alone make friends, you want to keep these people on your good side. Handling a coming-out with aplomb, sensitivity, and humor where appropriate is an important step forward. However, over the long term, other issues will arise that are more subtle, and which you therefore might not pick up on until it is too late and it occurs to you that if you were still friends with Janey and Alice they probably would have let you know before they moved to New Zealand and left no forwarding address.
The reason this so often happens, and gay and straight friends drift apart, lies buried deep at the heart of American white middle-class liberalism. Don't get us wrong; we like liberals. We're not Bob Dole. But if you get out "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" and watch it, you will most likely spend a fair amount of time cringing as you watch Well-Meaning White People try, and fail, to grapple with racial issues in a thoughtful and helpful manner. The squirm factor can largely be accounted for by a simple statement made (OVER and OVER AGAIN) in movies of this period:
"Black people are really just like us."
Well, this is true, and it isn't. Indeed, at this period the message that white people were not genetically, morally, or otherwise intrinsically superior to anyone else you care to name was something that needed to get out there, and insofar as the above statement counteracts said belief, it is a helpful way to think of things. However, there are important cultural differences between those who can float comfortably along in the mainstream and those who, for whatever reason, have been forced to set up camp along its muddy banks. Not only does experiencing discrimination change one in various ways, but the fact that such discrimination still exists means that one's life will necessarily be different from that of someone who doesn't have to deal with this crap. And as you can tell by our increasingly bitter tone, putting up with this shit can have an effect on one's mood, personality, and tendency to fantasize about visiting DC and taking out all of Congress with an Uzi while one's confederates hoist the rainbow flag and distribute condoms to the masses. And it will also affect one's comfort level in various situations, which is where we come in.
You see, gay and lesbian people are indeed much like yourself in many ways, but we are not exactly like you, and if you pretend otherwise, this will cause trouble. What you must do, as clueful straight people, is remain aware of the differences between you and your gay and lesbian friends, respect them, and be willing to accomodate their sensitivities whenever possible. This section will cover a variety of problem behaviors and ways to get around them, divided loosely into these sections:
We jest. Really. We're not suggesting you refrain from holding hands in public, hide your relationship from your family and friends, meet furtively in dark corners and spring to opposite ends of the couch trembling with anxiety whenever your roommate enters the living room, or do any of the rest of the sort of thing that we are constantly being encouraged to do. But, you should be aware that there is one thing you might want to at least keep out of your friends' faces, and that is,
Not that they won't know you are enjoying it, or that you need to skulk about being permanently embarrassed about this fact. But your friends will thank you if you try to remember, when interacting with them, that not everyone enjoys the same rights and freedoms that you do.
The older you get, for instance, the more the Marriage Thing will start to stick in your friends' collective craw, especially if they are in long-term relationships. You can commiserate with your friends about the injustice of DOMA all you want, but your sensitivity and caring will be for naught if you don't, when conversing with them, remember that it is polite to avoid rubbing salt in the wound. For instance, here are some simple things you might consider not doing around your gay friends:
This is what they call "eating bread in front of the hungry," and it is impolite. If you haven't brought enough for the whole class--and you haven't, the church and state won't let you--don't wave it about in front of the other children and taunt them with it.
Many well-meaning heterosexuals are aware of this problem, but mistakenly assume that the way to correct it is to try to include their friends by asking questions like, "When are you going to have your ceremony?" or "Would you have bridesmaids, you think, or just ushers in drag?" Now, we appreciate the sentiment, but this is a time when it behooves you to remember that no matter how willing you personally are to accept gay marriage as valid, the rest of America disagrees, and this mean that it is not the same. Heterosexual and homosexual weddings have one thing in common: the decision of two people to ratify their love for each other in a public ceremony. However, there are also some important differences:
| Straight Wedding | Gay Wedding |
|---|---|
| Takes place in a church. | Takes place anywhere but. |
| Father gives the bride away. | Father boycotts the ceremony. |
| Mother makes herself a nuisance by attempting to micromanage every detail, from the placecards on the tables to your choice of manicurist. | Mother makes herself a nuisance by coming forward and explaining why these two people should not be joined together in matrimony. |
| Relatives send expensive gifts. | Relatives are not informed of the proceedings. |
| Crazy Uncle Ted contributes a porcelain garden gnome that must be trotted out once a year when he comes to visit but is otherwise concealed from sight in the root cellar. | Crazy Uncle Ted finds out anyway and arrives with placards reading "A MAN SHALL NOT LIE WITH ANOTHER MAN, FOR IT IS AN ABOMINATION," which he holds up while chanting, "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!" |
| State cuts you a tax break and gives you custody rights over any children you and your spouse may have or adopt. | State pays no attention, and if you are not your child's biological parent your custody rights are not worth a Republican's curse. |
| Event is covered in the society pages of your hometown newspaper, The Smalltown Gazette. | Event is covered in the Christian Coalition's newsletter, To Hell In A Handbasket. |
As you can see, these two things are not entirely the same. This means that for a gay couple, decisions about whether and how to have a ceremony involve a whole set of very complicated and painful issues that you are lucky enough not to have to wrestle with. Understand that they may not feel like being reminded of this, and your well-meaning attempts to be broad-minded may merely bring up feelings of anger and resentment.
Another bone of contention will most likely be procreation. You have probably already noticed, if you have small children, that with most people who do not have them, a certain glazedness will begin to cloud their previously limpid eyes after about 5 minutes of looking at your baby pictures. This is because nobody but you is as excited as you are about your baby, and single persons who have yet to taste the joys of diaper changing are remarkably uninterested in the play-by-play daily drool and burp report. You have learned to adjust, if you still have friends. If you have noticed a marked dropoff in your extrafamilial social life, you may just have found the source of this problem.
A related, but different process of adjustment awaits with your gay friends. Sure, they will happily dandle your little one and play airplane with him when they visit, but they will not take it well if they find your conversation revolves around the little tyke 24/7. This is because many gay couples would like to have children, but can't, because we live in a country where judges think it's more important that a child's sexually abusive stepfather have visiting rights because the kid "needs a male role model" (actual words from an actual judge, no lie) than that s/he be raised in a loving home by two parents of the same gender. By prattling on obliviously about Janey's first succesful trip to the potty, you are reminding them that if they ever do have the chance to toilet train a spawnling of their own, it will only be after some serious medical intervention and perhaps one or two long-drawn and vicious court battles.
Again, you do not have to hide your children a la Flowers in the Attic when your gay friends come to visit; but be aware of this when they are around. And as with weddings, remember that you cannot make all of this OK by saying cheerfully, "So do you and Rebecca plan to have children?" There are several possible honest responses to this question:
Now, because your friends are polite, they will probably answer, "Well, you know, we've thought about it, but..." instead of saying "You have no @#$! idea what you are asking me, and I answer your question only because my mama raised me to be polite." But this does not mean they are enjoying themselves.
Attempting to be encouraging makes matters worse. If you respond to your friend's reservations with "But lots of gay couples are having children--look at Rosie O'Donnell!" s/he will just look at you with a mixture of pity and anger and think, "How about you and me show up together at a PTA meeting claiming to be little Andy's parents and you see what happens and then you try to tell me this is getting easier in our remarkably tolerant and openminded society today?" You will never have to go through this. Do not blithely speak of the discrimination and obstacles your friends would face as gay parents as if they were mere bagatelles. It will anger them.
Basically, all you need to remember is that if you pretend that your friends can lead exactly the same kind of life you lead as a heterosexual, you are not making them feel more accepted and at home. You are instead denying the kind of discrimination they deal with on a daily basis and trying to suppress differences that make you uneasy. This is never good for a friendship, and over time will ruin it.
And now to Chapter Two: Polite Conversation
Copyright ©1996 The Plaid Adder. Do not reproduce this material without the express permission of the author.
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