Real friends can talk about anything. We may as well stress that from the outset. If you're really close to your gay friends, then you don't need to use any of the following guidelines in your heart-to-hearts. But there will still be situations where you will be talking to them in less intimate settings--at a dinner party involving straight people, say, or at a wedding reception--in which it becomes polite and considerate behavior to avoid bringing up certain topics that they may not feel like tackling at the moment, especially in front of a hostile audience.

The dinner or cocktail party, really, is the biggest morass of potential social quagmires. Your other guests will probably be straight, and they may not be as clueful as you are. And in these situations, in which relative strangers must make conversation with each other about something, what your high school administrators would call Current Events often come into play. The hitch lies in the fact that what for your other guests may be merely an interesting issue they came across while browsing Newsweek is, for your gay friends, a concrete problem they have to deal with every day of their lives. This becomes even more important if your gay friends are not very out in their regular lives, because that means they will be less comfortable saying, "Ah, yes, that is a fascinating topic for you perhaps, but like most gay people, I'm WAY SICK of talking about the ban on gays in the military. Anyone seen Independence Day?" Instead, they will sit there miserably nodding their heads as your ROTC ex-college roommate explains to them about the all-importance of unit cohesion, hardly even able to muster up the gumption to mutter "cohere this" under their breath. You don't want this to happen.

Here are some topics that you might consider steering your guests away from:

The Search for the Gay Gene

Sure, this is an interesting new intervention in the eternal nature vs. nurture debate, but your gay friends will not enjoy listening to men who claim to be as hetero as Errol Flynn's codpiece leaning back and saying, "You ask me, I think it's a Freudian thing--probably they're toilet trained too early." "Nah, I think they're born that way. You can see it in their eyes." Plus, if your friends are still in the closet, they are trembling in an agony of suspense as they wait for one of these people to turn to them and say, "Personally I think it'd be good if we found the gene, then we could start breeding it out--what do you think, Earl?"

Gays in the Military

During the first several months of 1993, gay people woke up every day to the sound of some radio news anchor saying, "America still hates you! Film at 11:00." Consequently, many of them have tired of this discussion. To a gay person, this argument is not interesting. In fact, to a gay person, the arguments against lifting the ban appear so weak that it makes one want to weep to think that a single other human could find them persuasive. Do not depress your guests by reminding them that not only do such people exist, you have actually brought them into your house.

Homosexual Marriage

Even if your friends are liberal or moderate, there is liable to be some disagreement on this. Most gay people do not understand why their love should be considered any less valid than that of other people. Many heterosexual persons appear to have some sort of mental block about this, believing simultaneously that gay people are perfectly fine as individuals, and that allowing them to solemnize their relationships legally or religiously would cause the world to explode.

If your friends are not in the closet, and therefore are willing to engage these persons in debate, the chances are excellent that they do not feel like doing this at something that is supposed to be a recreational function. For them, this is not simply engaging in a bracing intellectual debate. It is defending themselves and what they believe against the forces of ignorance, darkness and denial. This is not something even Batman wants to do on his day off. By bringing these issues up, you or your guests are forcing them to continue banging their heads against the brick wall of heterosexual contrariness. Your friends are at your party because they want to relax and stop doing things that make them cranky and tired. Accomodate their wishes.

Along the same lines, it is also important to act as the chaperon of some of your less enlightened guests, and to head them off at the pass if you see them gearing up to do something really stupid. For instance, if your friends are out, and are out at your party, persons who have not met them before may begin to violate the principles we have laid down in our earlier chapters governing the casual coming-out. Keep an ear out for the conversation and head that way if you hear any of the following:

• "Wow, that's fascinating. How long have you known? Have you told your parents? Was it the sex that wasn't working for you or was it political?"
• "Y'know I don't like them real flamboyant queens, they make me sick, but normal folks, like you, now you're all right by me."
• "Boy, that must be tough. I really admire you for being brave enough to do this. I mean what with everyone hating you so much and all."
• "Is this your girlfriend? Oh, she's cute!"

You see, even though you are too savvy to do these things, your guests may decide to try to turn your friends' orientations into cocktail party conversation, not perhaps realizing that to have the intimate details of one's sexual and emotional life used as fodder for hors-d'oeuvre caliber small-talk is intensely irritating. Unless your gay friends have gone through this enough that they feel justified in saying, "Well, I came by this knowledge same way I imagine you did--when I got my first hard-on. I was lookin' at GI Joe--who were you lookin' at?", this torture will probably continue unabated unless you intervene by asking the guest's opinion on the canapes.

And above, all, never forget the First Principle of Polite Conversation:

YOUR FRIEND IS NOT A SPOKESPERSON.

S/he cannot speak on behalf of the gay and lesbian community and probably doesn't want to. Do not say, in the midst of an argument over The Birdcage, "Well, Alan, do gay people like this movie, or do they find it offensive?" Alan doesn't know. Nobody does. There isn't a listserv out there that distributes the Gay Consensus on a daily basis to all card-carrying homosexuals. Within the gay community opinion is often sharply divded. Some are unwilling to forgive Robin Williams for those oh so hilarious impressions of fruity queens he used to be famous for. Others find the movie and its politics just ducky, but object to having to look at all those florid Hawaiian shirts. Still others haven't a bad word to say about it, and yet others will tell you, "Birdcage, shmirdcage, if Mike Nichols wants to make up for the way he used that poor gay couple in Four Weddings and a Funeral, well, it's gonna take more than Nathan Lane in a feather boa to get this queer back on the bandwagon." And then others will respond, "I didn't have a problem with the gay couple in Four Weddings and a Funeral. I just can't forgive him for making me watch 3 hours of Hugh Grant stammering and making cow-eyes at Andie "Talentless And Not Even Attractive" MacDowell." "Are you kidding me? Hugh Grant is it!" another will respond. "Hugh Grant?" another will cry. "That upperclass-twit no-jawed prostitute-soliciting model-dating bad-name-to-Englishmen-everywhere-giving pile of affectation and nervous laughter? Are you mad?" You get the idea.

Now, if opinion within the community is this diverse about a stupid remake of a French film that came out 20 years ago, you can imagine what a range of opinions there might be about gay marriage, monogamy, what to call one's partner, how best to handle the AIDS crisis, whether "Men On" is a hilarious celebration of queeniness or a deeply homophobic travesty that oughta make any queer with any sense hurl on sight, or what Kenneth Branagh was thinking when he cast Keanu Reeves in Much Ado About Nothing. It is insulting to expect any group of people to think or act as a bloc. Therefore, "And over to Bruce for the queer perspective" is generally not a good conversational move to make. If Bruce feels like speaking for his people--as he may--he will do so.

In a social situation over which you are presiding, it is also important to remember

How To Handle A Homophobe

You know a few. Don't try to tell me you don't. And you even get along with some of them, because many homophobes have other fine qualities which make them hard workers, good friends, and charming dinner guests. So there may be a couple lurking around in your party. If they rear their ugly heads, it is your responsibility as the host to gently push their snouts back into the mud and filth from which they have truculently emerged.

The rebuff should match in tone, severity and intensity the nature of the offense. If your guest has committed an accidental heinosity out of thoughtlessness or ignorance--for instance, saying, "Oh, why didn't you bring your wife along?" to Alan after he mentions that he's married, simply pointing out the error politely is the most appropriate response. After that, the response elevates with the level of intentional offensiveness. A sample graduated scale is appended below:

Now, these responses may appear rude to you, but remember that your guest was rude first. Your job as host is to provide a pleasant and relaxing atmosphere for your guests, and if one of your guests is making it impossible for you to do that, well, it's polite to take him out behind the woodshed and give him a good hiding. Metaphorically speaking. Most 'phobes who trumpet this sort of swill do so because they assume no one will mind. If you make it clear that you do mind and you are offended, ten to one says your guest will back down and apologize. It's probably too much to hope for to think that this may also cause your 'phobe to reevaluate his opinion of gay people, but at least you can probably get him to shut up for the duration of the party. If not, it's hog-tyin' and eatin' slop in the barn for him. This is your party, and you'll tie if you want to.

And now, Chapter Three: How Not To Be Like Congress

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Copyright ©1996 The Plaid Adder. Do not reproduce this material without the express permission of the author.